The Ten Impingements

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––There seems to be some confusion in American public discourse lately about the differences among amendments, commandments, and impingements. There has even been an occasional, completely unintentional––no doubt––conflation that has contributed to further confusion that has lead to consternation that may have caused some behavior of a less than constructive nature. I humbly offer the following clarification in hope that it will prevent calamitous consequences coming to pass.

1st            Should you find that, because you have a radio show and believe that every other mortal is insignificant, immoral, insipid, and idiotic before you, you have made of yourself an idol, but that your inferiors have nonetheless taken to infringing upon your ratings-given right to be a jealous idol who punishes iniquitous behavior such as interracial marriage with the curse of your speech thou shalt keep cursing them with your speech until they bow down before you adore only you––after all, it’s for their own good, since their complaints have clearly resulted from ignoring your beneficent and incontrovertible advice.

2nd            Should you find that someone has taken in vain your suggestion that citizens resolve policy disputes by deploying their inherited and trade show purchased firearms in the manner intended by their intelligent designer thou shalt show them what granddaddy’s tax-free Smith & Wesson can do at close range.

3rd            Should someone quarter soldiers in your home on the Sabbath refer back to 2nd Impingement.

4th            Should your father or your mother or your government attempt to enter your room without knocking, or inquire about the funding behind your grass roots rally without a warrant, refer back to 1st Impingement and curse them with your speech; if this proves insufficient to stop the abuse refer to 2nd Impingement.

5th            Should you kill someone or some ones (perhaps inadvertently, by invading a country under false pretenses, say) remember that you have a right not to incriminate your self; and besides, you are only supposed to try to not kill people, the rule doesn’t say anything about lying so why bring it up and make everyone uncomfortable.

6th            Should you find that after taking someone in holy matrimony for better or for worse until death shall part you that you have mistaken an ordinary, and really rather tedious person for your soul mate (or, more likely, that someone has deceived into believing they are your soul mate) then by all means get rid of the bore and take another, and another until you are satisfied that you are being appreciated to the degree you are certain you deserve as a self-made idol––you have, after all, the inalienable right to speedy divorces.

7th            Should you find that your government has stolen from you by taking money out of the hard-earned paycheck you receive for selling gold, restoring honor/take back America/we are a Christian nation rally tickets, or sanctimonious advice books in order to squander it building and repairing roads, bridges, schools, parks, vaccines, pipelines, mines, or oil rig leases that don’t benefit you or anyone you know at all then by all means take them to court under your right to speedy trials for specious law suits.

8th            Damn, that lying thing is a problem. It’s not just murder that’s regulated, but lying too. And torture too?!? Jesus Chr…I mean Geez Louise, that’s an awful lot of regulation; it’s sure to be preventing job creation. Please note that’s not job evolution, you’ve actually got to have a creator.

9th            Um, my neighbors’ wives are nice and all, but I don’t covet them. One of my neighbors does, however, have a son who cuts a fine figure. Don’t worry, though, I would never take up with him in pursuit of my own happiness because that would clearly have a disastrous effect on the sanctified third marriages of all my neighbors.

10th            Should you find that your neighbor has taken to keeping slaves there are three reasons you should not worry. First, slaves are in the Bible so they’re totally cool. Second, slaves are in the constitution so totally cool again; doubly cool, actually, because only the original constitution matters not those silly new fangled amendments, of which the tenth even tells you to ignore its radical self and listen only to the constitution (no brainer, hooray for literalism). Finally, lots of totally cool, original Americans had slaves so when your neighbor starts keeping slaves he’s just taking back America, which means so can you.

And, if your neighbor has a problem with the version of America you take back just remember that he only has a right to his rights if they don’t impinge on your feelings, and if they do impinge then you may apply a 2nd Impingement solution––it’s your patriotic duty.

2 Responses to “The Ten Impingements”
  1. Clare Keller says:

    By the time I got to number eight I was chuckling, but nine brought an out-loud GUFFAW. And I hadn’t even given time of day to the situation that prompted it. Right on!

  2. Meg says:

    A fine head of steam, sir, and in list form, no less! All the best commandments and constitutions are rich with lists, and so shall your blog be lifted up to a similar level of importance (at least for me.) I, personally, would rather list to port. Or list into my port?

    All that aside — I love your perspective. Thank you for caring about what matters.

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