Cirque du Senate

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––Sen. Reid (D – NV): “Procedural negotiations are now complete on Senate bill S. Scoobydoo 6226. A total of 9,346 and 2/3rds amendments will be allowed and debate may now begin; the chair recognizes Senator Collins from Maine.”

Sen. Manchin (D – WV): “I object! Senator Collins failed to nod her head in recognition of her summons before rising from her seat thus forfeiting her turn.”

Sen. Collins (R – ME): “I did too nod, put your glasses on, Manchin.”

Sen. Reid: “Senator Collins you have now spoken before the chair has recognized an objection so your turn is lost whether or not you nodded. Senator Manchin, you have the floor.”

Sen. Manchin (nodding): Thank you Senator Reid. I would like to introduce the first amendment to be known as Manchin’s––

Sen. Kyl (R – AZ): I object! Senators from W states, you will remember, may only introduce amendments named after themselves on Tuesdays and Thursdays; since this is Wednesday the Senator is out of order and must give up to floor for an amendment of the other party. As it so happens I have an amendment to introduce. The Kyl Blunt Butte amendment will rename one of Arizona’s most unusual rock formations, a once very popular tourist attraction that has seen a decline in numbers of visitors due to fear of the pagans who sometimes dance there, The Senator Jon Kyl Blunt Butte Center for Restoring American Honor. The amendment also seeks funding to build and staff said center with the caveat that all employees of the center must pass an exam designed by Arizonans for Functional Families. I have here a Clorox bottle diorama that will––

Sen. Reid: “I must stop you there, Senator Kyl. Clorox bottle displays have not been allowed in this body since Clorox’s parent company unfortunately misspelled Senator Brownback’s name on his Christmas card as Brokeback. Ah, Senator Begich, you would like the floor?”

Sen. Begich (D – AK): “Actually I’d just like to know what the bill we’re debating is about.

Sen. Reid: “Well, ah, um, I…Bill S. Scooby––

Sen. McConnell (R – KY): “Indeed, which tax does it seek to do away with?”

Sen. McCain (R – AZ): “Sit down, McConnell, and finish fixing my broken shoelace. The bill, I am quite certain in my vise-like, rock-solid certainty, is about securing our borders. Why just last weekend as I left my Phoenix house to gather some things from my Tempe house that really belong in my Scottsdale house I saw a Mexican looking person who appeared like he might have doings with cartels and seemed like he didn’t want to be seen. Turns out he was a native of Tucson and, according to the police who questioned him thoroughly, he was paying a surprise visit to his ailing sister in Phoenix. Now I ask you, what sick person wants to be surprised? I checked with Governor Brewer and she agreed that sick people don’t generally like surprise visits, so all in all the whole thing remains very suspicious.

Sen. Sessions (R – AL): “And this is exactly why we need to fly the Southern cross and I’d like to introduce the Sessions Confederate Flag amend––

Sen. Klobuchar (D – MN): “If my esteemed colleagues from across the aisle would allow me to respond to the question about the nature of the bill under debate before introducing amendments? Thank you. I introduced this bill, though my co-sponsor Senator Vitter insisted on naming it, to help simplify the process of introducing amendments.”

Sen. Thune (R – SD): “Simplify? What can you mean, Woman? Would you besmirch the fine traditions of this body and question the intent of the forefathers thereby––

Sen. Klobuchar: The bill seeks only two minor procedural changes. The first is to lessen the number of times a senator must rotate clockwise before the vote is taken on her amendment from six to three so as to prevent the dizziness that has all too often led to fainting spells that seriously slow the work of the senate.

All Senators: Perhaps–worth considering–OK–yes, not a terrible idea–Hmm–a few days of debate might be given–Oh my!–well I don’t know…

Sen. Klobuchar: The second change sought is merely to allow those that feel more comfortable to rotate counterclockwise, thus ensuring equal­­––

All Republican Senators (and Joe Manchin), loudly: Never!–not Christian!–sounds kind of gay–un-American!–the Devil put her up to this!–this is why women with masculine hair should not be senators–disgusting!–what’s next, graphic bestiality white boards?–We should Pray!–the atheist lobby must have paid her!–Klobuchar hates the troops!–I heard her 2nd cousin married a Muslim…


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