Your GOP: Grandly Obstructing Progress

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––Breaking: China and India offer to loan the GOP some of their top mathematicians to explain the fatal flaws in GOP tax plans that seek to lower the deficit while lowering taxes for the rich. The two 14 year olds and the 11 year old are expected to arrive at the end of the week accompanied by their American nannies.

I guess Obama forgot to tell both the GOP and his own party his safe word.

Republicans aren’t very good listeners: when Obama said “Yes we can” all they heard was “Yes,” and they’ve just been taking him at his word.

The GOP hears about a new arsenic-based life form, drafts a bill to preemptively prevent it getting amnesty as an illegal alien.

The GOP, learning that it was born in the US, says the arsenic-based life form must own property and a phosphorous-based pet before it can vote.

The GOP: if the arsenic life form wants a path to citizenship it must learn to speak phosphorous.

The GOP only wants to keep DADT because gay Republicans find it hotter when it’s taboo. They loves them some male escorts, airport men’s room stalls, and sexting congressional pages.

How much Harry Potter blood will Rick Santorum need to revive himself for 2012?

Republicans seem to get away with using the Three Unforgivable Curses––Cruciatus, Imperius, and Avada Kedavra––while Democrats are stuck with Expelliarmus.

The GOP suggests you give to charity this holiday season, perhaps to The ASPCM––the Association for the Prevention of Cruelty to Millionaires.

Barbara Bush criticizes Sarah Palin, tells her to stay in Alaska: doesn’t that much elitism colliding with that much fatuous anti-elitism create a mushroom cloud?

Stop calling them the Bush tax cuts––they are the Bush loans from China.

Discovery of a life form that lives on arsenic instead of phosphorous gives the GOP hope that it can create a party made of life forms that vote without brains.

GOP future memo: If we get Afghanistan listed as a developed nation we’ll move up to next to last place in world wide education ratings.

GOP future memo: Bombing a few countries back to the Stone Age has raised our infrastructure rating.

The Public Option failed to make Health Care Reform over a typo that made the GOP very uncomfortable: their copy asked for a Pubic Option.

Discovery of arsenic-based life form gives the GOP hope that when its base of toxic old white guys dies out it can replace them.

NASA saying they just discovered an arsenic-based life form is suspect because John McCain’s been expelling toxic gas for a while now.

The GOP is a scam like bundling by cable companies: you can’t order just the racial bigotry and homophobia, or the fake math, or the disdain for the poor; if you want in you have to take them all.

4 Responses to “Your GOP: Grandly Obstructing Progress”
  1. Lucy, thank you. Today’s Republicans are prone to some troubling, and often conflicting syndromes such as: Eliteophobia–a paralyzing fear of non-biblical reference works; Elitistophilia–a morbid and often erotic desire to be secretly well educated; and Elitomania–euphoric hatred and teeth gnashing about scientific discoveries, cultural progress, expanding human rights, and almost all non-Disney art work that is often combined with delusions of living as royalty in a bygone era. When a Republican suffers from all three he or she simply dissolves into a pool of nondescript, steaming and highly viscous liquid while shrieking “I’m melting! melting! Oh, what a world! What a world! Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?”

  2. Lisa, It’s great to hear from you. It is common to mistake those in the GOP without morals for those without brains and vice versa, so you are not alone. Then there is also confusing the GOP leadership, some of whom have brains, with both their brainless followers as well as with the well-meaning, not brainless followers whom they fool, or catch in that cable-bundling scam. You make a good point that John McCain’s ultimate legacy is Sarah Palin, and that tragic observation begs the following question: which came first, the mistake or the error?

  3. Great stuff!! I laughed out loud. Elitist to a Republican is a person who reads.

    I love that word “toxic” — just watching those old white men trying to perpetuate their ignorance and fear and disdain for anyone except those who never collected a paycheck because all their money is “made” from investments and vampirizing the poor.

    Well done.

  4. I thought the GOP already was a party made of life forms that vote without brains? Damn it all – now I feel like I’ve been unfair about that whole Sarah Palin thing. If they have brains now, then which body part nominated her for the VP seat? (That’s a rhetorical question…)

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