Dysfunction Junction, What’s Your Function? Secession & Regression Predilections

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

Rick Perry asserts Texas’s right to secede from progress and keep all its great Texasiness like “the highest teenage birth rate, the highest proportion of people lacking health insurance of all 50 states, “the third highest poverty rate, the second highest imprisonment rate, the lowest voter turnout, the lowest proportion of high school graduates” (via The Economist).

Texas Gov Rick Perry is “Fed Up!” and wants to “Save America from Washington.” Without Washington Texas would be a Mexican landfill.

Rick Perry allows Texans only one song when they go caroling: “These are a few of my Texasy Things.”

Rick Perry to Washington: If you touch my junk I’ll sue! In federal court!

How hands off Texas will Perry want Washington to be when another hurricane hits? He’ll want the kind of groping the GOP usually reserves for congressional pages.

Rick Perry of Texas wants to opt out of Social Security. I say we let him opt out of all social contact.

If Texas evangelicals John Cook and David Barton are born again how do we know they were reborn as US citizens? We should demand their rebirth certificates.

Texas evangelical Republicans to their own leader who they want to fire because he’s Jewish: Go to the networks: since they’re run by Jewish law they have to hire you.

I get it Texas right winger evangelicals, Jesus is your savior; I’m just not convinced he saved the good parts.

Christine O’Donnell tries to sue Wikileaks for stealing her thunder: she hoped to title her memoir Witchileaks.

At least Christine O’Donnell dabbled in witchcraft, which is more than she’s done in policy, history, government, science, or math.

Christine O’Donnell plans to form a political action committee with the Tea Party money left over from her losing Senate bid, but doesn’t yet have a name. Suggestions for Christine O’Donnell’s yet to be named PAC: Boiling Teabags Toiling for Trouble; Superconstitutionilisticexpialidocious; No Separation of Spells and State; A spoon Full of Sugar Fools Them Every Time; Hocus PACus; Grimoire Girl Gets Governmenty; Impractical Magic.

Alaska senate litigious-loser Joe Miller’s next lawsuit seeks to make his 3rd grade pal Tommy give back those Planet of the Apes action figures: Miller insists it was a loan.

Arsenic-based life form thought by NASA to be native to earth has in actuality just arrived from space because it noticed that we keep making the air here better for it.

One Response to “Dysfunction Junction, What’s Your Function? Secession & Regression Predilections”
  1. laura says:

    You forgot to mention how fat they are.

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