America’s Native Moonies

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

There’s bad news for people hoping to observe tonight’s lunar eclipse: Republicans filibustered it.

Americans: please adjust your calendars, the GOP has filibustered the concept of Tuesday; there will not be any Tuesdays until further notice.

P.S. *he GOP has also filibus*ered *he le**er (*).

During tonight’s lunar eclipse 30% of Americans will believe God craved cheese and snacked on the moon.

This evening there will be a lunar eclipse causing the night sky to grow almost as dim as Glenn Beck.

When the moon becomes nearly invisible tonight 70% of Americans will say “Look at the lunar eclipse;” and the other 30% will say “Look what the Jewish/Gay/Immigrant agenda has wrought.

Tonight the moon will be invisible for many on Earth, but Sarah Palin will still be able to see it from her house.

Creationists who call their dogma “intelligent design” for that science-y sound should note that many designers are, shall we say, light in the lightening.

When the moon is eclipsed tonight 30% of Americans will say it proves Climate Change (They’ll call it “Global Warming”) is a hoax. They’ll say “the moon got cold so it went indoors.”

Some Americans will quake in superstitious fear during tonight’s lunar eclipse, and will say that the disappearance of the moon is a plot, and they will blame it on Julian Assange draining away the moon’s angel dust with his evil and vengeful LuniLeaks.

Today is Mondistmas, the Monday before Christmas sacred to Republican Christian Senators who believe they must be blocking progress and fear mongering in their home districts instead of in evil Washington D.C.

Many scientists are “Creationists:” they actually create new things and ideas that make life better for people instead of living in the past and taking fairy tales literally.

We won’t have to hear about Christine O’Donnell after tonight, because in order to increase her power and influence she will use the rare solstice lunar eclipse to change her name to one more descriptive of her talents: “Moonless Night.”

Chris Coons, the Democrat who beat Christine O’Donnell in Delaware’s Senate race, should keep close tabs on his seat tonight and should probably not go outside alone. #RareSolsticeLunarEclipseGoodForWitches.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amoregeddon.

Comments
7 Responses to “America’s Native Moonies”
  1. Thank you, Erica. Great to hear from you. One could also examine LooniLeaks, but that’s perennial, and likely not as interesting as Looney Tunes.

  2. erica says:

    Quite possibly your funniest post…”lunileaks!” well done, sir!

  3. laura says:

    “Fillibuster” it sounds so dirty.

  4. Daphne says:

    why yes, yes i do. guess it’s better than feliz navidad. 😉

  5. Thank you, Daphne; and I’m certain you realize it is part of my nefarious plan that you have that song rerunning in your lovely noggin until Christmas Eve. Indeed, the eclipse is tonight, but I wrote my wee humorisms yesterday and opted not to adjust their temporality since doing so would still result in their being outdated tomorrow; this way they may be read atemporally, as it were.

  6. Daphne says:

    isn’t the ‘christmas lunar eclipse’ tonight/tomorrow morning? (http://www.maxisciences.com/lune/la-lune-s-eclipsera-cette-nuit_art11241.html)

    another creatively intelligent piece above, as usual. love your last line. even if i will now be singing ‘that’s amore’ all day long, thank you.

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