10 Reasons to Get a New 2010 Apple/AT&T Phone for 2011

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––1. You would rather drop calls than balls, with or without a Snooki (whatever that is).

2. Unable to afford air travel thus missing out on full body scans you fear you will not reach your recommended daily dose of radiation.

3. The new app that, while calling out names from your contact list, reads and analyses your facial expressions, body temperature, blood pressure, and pressure per square inch of teeth gnashing, then deletes all the people you don’t really want to talk to is only available for the new phone.

4. The necessary but not included bumper might just be the one item to finally end your rubber fetish before your friends and coworkers who’ve begun complaining about an odor of old tires discover its source.

5. You’re still to insecure about your manhood to carry around an iPad but are equally terrified of getting left behind by technology.

6. It DOES have the anti-WikiLeaks software but DOES NOT have that annoying chip that makes you think twice before drunken sexting.

7. It comes loaded with all of Brett Favre’s photographic self-portraits, equally handy for April Fool’s Day and getting unwanted girlfriends to dump you so you don’t have to be “the bad guy.”

8. It will automatically scramble your tweets––making them ungrammatical, creating new words, and peppering them with extraneous punctuation and patrio-porn imagery––so that your followers will think you’re as cool as Sarah Palin (NB: you may become the focus of extreme and pandering media attention).

9. You need to get off the grid because someone hacked your Facebook account and convinced Ann Coulter that you are a self-hating republican homosexual male, but can’t live without “Angry Nerds,” “CelebriZombie,” and “Pimp My Apps,” so a phone that plays games but doesn’t receive or send a consistent enough signal for you to be tracked is perfect.

10. It is programmed to self-destruct after 6 months so you don’t have to angst over whether or not to get the new, new phone before your contract is up; removing this type and amount of stress has been proven to add 3 quality years to your life span.

One Response to “10 Reasons to Get a New 2010 Apple/AT&T Phone for 2011”
  1. Laura says:

    Oh dunky, vegas is completely devoid of your type of sexy. Miss you and boston – even though I won 12.50 playing slots.

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