Newtifications for your Indiscretions

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt


––Newt Gingrich suffers from patriolatry, the excessive devotion or worship of his native country, as he recently explained when asked about his history of adultery. “There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” The sensibleness of this justification can leave no doubt in the mind of any reputable diagnostician that Newt, in an apotheosis of mature self-awareness, does not suffer from justificolatry but has correctly named his poison––passionate patriotism pushed him to promulgate his penile proclivities past his proper partner. Thus has Newt, ever the pioneer, become the progenitor of a new form of worship––Newtolatry. Here are some of its many uses:


  1. If you borrowed your roommate’s favorite sweater without asking and spilled cheap Merlot on it, say you love your mother so much that you are desperate to look good for her even when she can’t see you. Don’t worry about being believed––have you met anyone without mother issues?
  2. When your neighbor confronts you about taking her paper explain how your passion for news is so strong as to make paying for it feel wrong.
  3. Cheating on your taxes obviously results from poetolatry. No excessive worshipper of poets is capable of filling out a tax form properly.
  4. Accused of burning down that decaying building you haven’t been able to sell? It’s not arson if you are an ignicolist. Why should fire-worshippers be any less coddled than our nation’s Christolatrists?
  5. Your desk at work is not messy and those coworkers who keep tripping and holding their noses as they walk by are obligated under federal equal opportunity in employment laws to respect your aischrolatry, your worship of filth, dirt, and smut. The latter explains that porn on your work computer.


As a devotee of Newt these and many other credible excuses for a variety of frowned-upon behaviors are part of your arsenal. But beware of contradictions that may weaken your justification of choice. Newt, for instance, being on his third marriage, also seems to suffer from gamidolatry, the excessive worship of marriage. Yet lacking gyniolatry, deep respect for women, he ends up only caring about how the marriage makes him feel. It is possible that he does have some respect for women that is offset by his neolatry, or worship of novelty, a condition once thought rare but now noted with increasing frequency in male Homo sapiens. Ultimately, however, it is impossible to determine how these conditions of Newt’s interact, or even cancel one another out because the autolatry, the self-worship, of an autolatrist is like an elephant loose among the fragile buds of spring. Should you still wish to practice Newtolatry but desire a bit of circumspection simply say that you observe onolatry and follow with a wink.


NB: onolatry–worship of asses

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