7 States that Need a Time-Out

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––According to the Child Development Institute “Time-out means time out from positive reinforcement (rewarding experiences). It is a procedure used to decrease undesirable behaviors.” We love all of our 50 states equally––well, we love them at any rate and wouldn’t trade them for the world (maybe for Luxembourg)––but lately some of our darlings are misbehaving. In most cases the naughty ones are the usual suspects whose hissy fits we’ve learned to ignore so as not to feed their bottomless hunger for attention, but when infantile tantrums become hazardous paroxysms Mommy and daddy (Mommy and Mommy, Daddy and daddy, single parents of either gender, or other decision-making care-givers) must take steps to protect the other children, the family unit, and the home. Here, then, are 7 states that currently need a time-out:

1. Arizona’s recent bender of badness makes it difficult to choose which of her willful perversities to address: trying to make a slow child understand more than one or two things at a time will only confuse it, causing it to stick its fingers in its ears and chant “lalalalalalalalalalalalacan’t-hear-youlaaaaaaa…” It is clear, however, that Arizona can’t play nice with the other states until it learns to share and play nice with its own people, specifically its immigrants. No xenophobes in this union, Zoni, go to your room and consider that without hard-working Mexicans you would likely be little more than America’s smart phone, skinny jean, and plastic footwear landfill.

2. Georgia, if you paid more attention to your studies as to name-calling a woman’s legal right to abortion “prenatal murder” you might not have one of the lowest high school graduation rates in the nation. Time-out, Georgia, no more weighing in on the names of things until you bring your grades up.

3. Kentucky, why do you hate puppies? We want to believe you when you say it’s not all of you, but it’s difficult with the way you let people abuse animals. Not only do you let animal abusers off easier than all other states, you say it’s illegal for vets to report suspected cruelty or fighting. We hope there is not a lack of empathy here, and that you’ll grow up to respect innocent creatures that rely on you for their very survival.

4. Mississippi, we don’t love you less for being the fattest state. We worry about you, of course, but want to let you be yourself. We can’t, however, get health care costs down while your weight keeps going up, and, frankly, it’s just not a good example for the other states, many of which are struggling with their own weight. Also, being that it’s Women’s History Month, we can’t let go unpunished your being the worst state for women’s earnings: 75% of what men get, yes you should be ashamed. Now go for a walk and leave the snack cake here.

5. You think you should be allowed to enshrine the Code of the West, Montana, while trying to legalize hunting with a silencer through HB-174? “Oh, drat! Bambi and Thumper heard me coming again. How’m I ever gonna get enough pelts to line all my gun holsters?”

6. This time-out may be your last chance, Tennessee, to stay out of juvie. Your freak out over the Murfreesboro mosque was bad enough before the vandalism and torching of the equipment at the construction site. While these were, as far as we know, individual actions, your ginning up fear of Sharia law by trying to make its practice a felony with legislation both patently bigoted and roundly agreed to be unconstitutional is appalling. Think about this during your time-out––if you try to keep others from having houses of worship then we’ll take them all way and none of you will have them. You won’t be very popular with your neighbor states then, and you don’t have an anti-bullying law yet.

7. Texas, until your governor learns which towns are in Texas and which are in Mexico you can’t vote with the other states in the capital.

Here’s something for all 7 of you ill-behaving states to consider while you have your time-outs: along with its 50 states the U. S. has 6 territories and the District of Columbia for a total of 57 beloved ankle-biters, so that were we to make your time-outs into get-outs we wouldn’t even have to redesign the flag.

5 Responses to “7 States that Need a Time-Out”
  1. Kaitie says:

    Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann must have attended the same geography class.

  2. Beth says:

    Absolutely brilliant!!! Bravo!!!

  3. Clare Keller says:

    Tell me you just couldn’t decide where to begin with Alaska! Or are we praying that the tsunami backwash makes it impossible for Sarah Palin to see Russia, or any other country from her back porch?

  4. Daphne says:

    only 7 ? could that be an improvement… ?!

    excellent post. this would make for an extremely creative and biting political cartoon. time out for them, gold star for you.

  5. Laura says:

    I’m glad people have already forgotten Nevada and its near election of a candidate belonging to the 2nd Amendment remedy school of politics.

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