Relig-otician Roy Moore For Prophident 2012: Or, When a Burning Bush Speaks You’d Better Make Tablets

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––Hallelujah! There is a chance this country can be saved now that Roy Moore (hallowed be his name) is considering the presidency. I say “considering the presidency” rather than “thinking about running for the Republican nomination” because should a mortal as close to god as Roy Moore throw in his hat there is no doubt but that his hat will be transformed by a miracle into the Diadem of the Presidency. True, there is no Diadem of the Presidency now, but this surely is the first error President Moore would correct.

Roy Moore, you see, took his personal Ten Commandments tablets with him into whichever Alabama courthouse he worked as a judge and when he became Alabama Chief Justice he took them to the state courthouse. When a federal judge told him his religious monument was illegal he refused to remove it and was martyred by being fired.

But it takes more than being wrong to keep Roy Moore down and out in Alabama. When the Iowa Supreme Court found that denying marriage to same-sex couples was unconstitutional Roy Moore did his part to get the justices removed from office. Roy Moore didn’t let the facts that Iowans might be different from Alabamans, that his political party proclaims state’s rights ad nauseam, or that there was a panel of three Iowan Supreme Justices in agreement stop him. Roy Moore ignored that federal judge, his superior, when it involved Alabama and he was not about to let some Iowan judge tell Iowans about Iowa law because he knows better. How? Because as part of the Foundation for Moral Law Roy Moore knows that laws based solely upon our constitution are insufficient.

But you heathens needn’t worry: Roy Moore will be President of all Americans once all Americans are forced to become Christians and are branded with the Ten Commandments mark of his design. Once that glorious day has come His Moral Highness (HMH) will begin to save our nation. HMH’s aide, Zachery Michael, told Sunshine State News that “this campaign is going to be based focusing on the problems facing the nation. Traditional marriage is under attack.” Relieved as you must be to hear this you may yet wonder about some of our country’s other, less pressing problems. Rest easy, for according to Sunshine State News “Michael added that Moore would also focus on other matters, including turning the economy around.”

His Moral Highness knows that America is on the very chasm edge of collapse so must run his presidency like a triage with saving traditional marriage the first priority. Devout followers of HM can guess pretty accurately by how dangerous, maleficent, and corrupting they are what problems our brave would-be savior would tackle next:

v Mount Rushmore is too secular. It must be sanded flat and carved with the Ten Commandments.

v The airwaves are gummed up with sacrilege and filth; they must be given over to FOX Newsertainment, country songs about the flag, and prayer.

v  Former Anti-president Obama’s declaration of June as “lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender pride month” must be wiped from the public record and June named instead ‘Round-up the Gays Month’ because, as then Judge Roy Moore said, “The State carries the power of the sword, that is, the power to prohibit conduct with physical penalties, such as confinement and even execution. It must use that power to prevent the subversion of children toward this lifestyle (homosexuality), to not encourage a criminal lifestyle.”

v The economy is weak: America does not produce and export enough, and there are too few jobs. The federal government will replace the Departments of Education, Environment, and Welfare with a Department of Missions which will employ jobless Americans in saving through conversion non-Christians around the globe. These missionaries will be armed with what their new converts will need––bibles and biblically themed merchandise from America’s tax exempt churchufacturers.

Remember folks, although the original motto of The United States of America is “E Pluribus Unum” there are two important reasons it must be ignored in favor of the cold war inspired “In God We Trust.” Firstly, it is in the offensive language of the pagan Romans. Secondly, and of most import, His Moral Highness Roy Moore was not available in 1782 to show the Congress the error of its ways.

Comments
One Response to “Relig-otician Roy Moore For Prophident 2012: Or, When a Burning Bush Speaks You’d Better Make Tablets”
  1. Clare Keller says:

    I don’t know whether to laugh or shudder, but laughter is the better medicine, so thank you for trans-forming this horror. A little bit of irony makes the medicine go down.

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