A Page from ‘the Homosexual Agenda’

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt


7:00 am – Very funny.

9:30 am – “Excuse me, dude, wake-up; that’s it, stud, wake-up. Yes, good morning to you too, Tom––right, Gary, whatever. You’ve got to go, I have a busy day. No, I don’t want to cuddle, Jesus. I can’t believe I let you stay just because you thought you saw your wife’s car outside the club.

10:45 am – “Let’s see, the chain mail or the sheer? Harry? Harry. Harry! Fine, Gary, why are you still here? What the hell is Weetabix? No I don’t have any ‘breakfast cereal,’ but before you go––yes, you can kiss me goodbye, at the door––tell me, what do dads wear when they take their kids to the library? What you have on, I see, you’ve been a big help. Yes, very big, you’re so big, Larry (click).”

1:00 pm – Arrive at area recycle plant’s incinerator from local library where I ‘borrowed’ every children’s book in which Cameron or Ashley has a mommy and a daddy. Attendant insists I stay until all the ‘trash’ is tossed in, but the sack of stuff I ‘borrowed’ from the adult section works its magic.

1:20 pm – At the gym for Feather Boa Boot Camp; Pilates with that hag, Lucinda; weight circuit with the new Dominican guy with the giant nipples and obvious-through-his-super-tight-shorts penis ring; and blow jobs in the sauna.

3:30 pm – Espressos, fiber supplements, and those energy/weight-loss pills from Guillermo.

4:15 pm – Send letter to Starbucks insisting they disallow people with gross feet from wearing sandals or flip-flops in their stores. P-E-D-I-C-U-R-E. It does not turn you gay––yet, but we’re working on it.

4:45 pm – Bad news. Divorce rates are down in my area. Already behind on my quota, I meet my therapist source to look through confidential files on traditional marriages teetering on the edge? I mean really teetering––I’m tired today.

7:50 pm – Heading home to change for date after placing rainbow Pride stickers on 250 cars.

8: 05 pm – Make sure guy in white bucks sees my eye-rolling, lip-curling sneer of disgust as I snap a picture to which I will add captions and an ironic soundtrack before posting to all forms of social media.

11:45 pm – This agenda shit sucks. Normally I don’t even decide where to have brunch ahead of time yet look what I’ve accomplished today. And now that doctored video of the straight guy in the white bucks exposing himself on a playground is racking up LubeTube hits. All this and I’m still expected to raise Satan by midnight and cause a natural disaster before sunrise. I need a vacation––maybe I can find that App that cures the gay or a nice church that will send me to camp if I agree to become an ex-gay spokesman.


Public Service Announcement:

The Homosexual Agenda team needs undercover operatives and missed CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference). Where should we look other than airport men’s rooms in Republican districts?

8 Responses to “A Page from ‘the Homosexual Agenda’”
  1. Clare, a direct hit, bless you.

  2. ‘Nique, don’t eat too many small children, they raise your cholesterol something fierce.

  3. Rhonda, thank you for naming Swift. I hope that one day someone will observe, not in a cheap copying way, some Swiftian magic in a piece of mine. When the latest “Gulliver’s Travels” film came out (with Jack Black) I was excited until noting that it was in 3D. I boycotted it and re-read the novel.

  4. Lucy, great to hear from you. There are ample non-Republican dysfunctionals, but the GOP courts and is especially successful at attracting those incapable of or unwilling to practice self-examination, critical thinking, and empathy. The GOP’s disdain for reading, questioning, and thinking is catching up with them––soon, unless they change, they will forget all such skills entirely. Toaster? I’m going for the washer/dryer set!

  5. Clare Keller says:

    I’ll simply quote the first entry–without irony.

  6. Monique says:

    Made me chuckle, obviously the person who sent the hate mail needs a life. But then, I might just be too busy casting spells and eating small children to take life that seriously.

  7. Rhonda Pickens says:

    This received hate mail? Guess they never read Jonathan Swift?

  8. Are all the dysfunctional people really in the Republican party?

    What a fest if Roy Moore joins the parade on their ticket!

    Remember that great line from the ELLEN show about getting a toaster if you recruited someone to be “gay?”

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