PrecogNews: Headlines from November 3rd 2012

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––Tomorrow is Election Day in the three states that vote for president––Florida, Iowa, and Ohio––and though Obama is polling well in all three he faces a tough challenge once the averaged Electoral College and popular votes are sent to the Supreme Court. The Roberts court ruling in Holder vs. DeMint making it illegal for unmarried women to serve as judges at any level meant that both women on the Supreme Court, Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor, were removed. The new justices, Mrs. Virginia “Ginny” Thomas and Donald Trump are expected to vote for President Obama’s Republican challenger.

The GOP has named the site for its 2016 convention as Barrow, Alaska, the northernmost town in the US. The theme will be tropical rainforest and there will be a hunt of Florida alligators. Animal rights groups have protested the hunt but proponents say that since the alligator migrated to Barrow where it has no natural predators overpopulation is a problem. The Democrats will hold their convention at Raleigh-Durham Beach in North Carolina.

Official ceremonies for the successful name-changing bids of three states and the District of Utah will be held in the state and District capitols and not in Washington DC as the Governors and Administrator had wanted. The three Governors have chosen to hold simultaneous ceremonies on Christmas day. They say this is appropriate as it represents the rebirth of their states but mostly because God spoke to them personally directing them to change the names. Arizona will become Whitezona, Kentucky will become Bibletucky, and Tennessee will become Creationessee. The District of Utah will become the District of Pistolah to honor its official Gun, the Browning semi-automatic pistol, at a separate ceremony on the local holiday Firing Range Day, November 17th.

Since discovering late last year how to target their unique earthquake-causing powers Homosexuals have successfully crushed and sunk into the earth two thirds of all anti-gay evangelical Hate Churches. The homosexuals have found their approval ratings soar as their evacuation alerts 24 hours in advance of the quakes have minimized loss of life, and local communities often find the quake sites make excellent lakes or uncover valuable mineral reserves. The LGBT Quake spokesperson says by the end of the year they expect to have rid the country of enough Hate Churches to be able to move on to sellers of “mom jeans” and Crocs.

The Broadway season begins this weekend. The musical is “The Hangover,” but note it is based not on the original movie trilogy but on the interactive ride created from the graphic novels based on the video game that came from the ice skating tour that was inspired by the children’s puppet show that followed the short-lived TV series that was based loosely on the movies.

The dramatic play is “Patriots of the Heartland: Squirmish with the Squid people.” The play is based on Sarah Palin’s debut novel, “I Can See Everything From Here,” in which squirmishes with various fictional beings serve as loosely veiled metaphors for the author’s foreign policy ideas.

In our final story, the world’s last polar bear, Told-You-So, after weeks at death’s door, has recovered from the antibiotic-immune super bug. Told-You-So is said to be resting comfortably in quarantine at the Center for Disease Control’s new headquarters in the Rocky Mountains but has lost all her fur. The CDC says it moved Told-You-So from Atlanta because it feared the radioactive seawater of Atlanta’s coastline would interfere with the high dose radiation used to treat the super bug since the former is mostly Plutonium while the latter is the newly discovered and little understood element Destroynium.

One Response to “PrecogNews: Headlines from November 3rd 2012”
  1. Rhonda Pickens says:

    Very Swiftian! Terrific! Love the subtle bits like Raleigh-Durham having a beach.

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