10 Reasons to Love and Follow Politics

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

  1. You will learn what NOT to wear if you want to look contemporary and sentient.
  2. You’ll feel less guilty about your affair(s), tax fraud, nepotism, inflammatory metaphors, hypocrisy, and foul mouth.
  3. It has more sex and wacky fantasy than the soaps but less influence than reality shows, so it’s not too dull and not too important or taxing, rather, like baby bear’s stuff, it fits just right.
  4. You learn that only the votes of a few thousand people who live in three states matter, so unless you’re one of them (highly unlikely and no way to find out for sure so just assume you are not) you have neither to bother understanding policy nor schlepp out to vote when it’s raining, when you’re having a bad hair day, when the cat yuked up a slimy hairball on the duvet, or when your favorite star will be taking his shirt off on the Ellen show.
  5. Compared to Senators John McCain, Jon Kyl, Jim–no sexually active single women should teach children–DeMint, John Ensign, Lindsey Graham, James–climate change is a “hoax”–Inhofe, Joe Manchin, Rand Paul, David–that picture where Rachel Maddow looks like a woman “was really bizarre”–Vitter (client of The DC Madam and co-sponsor with Larry–lewd conduct in Minneapolis airport mensroom–Craig of the Marriage Protection Amendment), compared to these Senators and to a whole bunch of Representatives like Joe–you lie!–Wilson your lying, cheating, thieving, whoring, back-stabbing, homophobic, racist, misogynistic, hateful, spiteful, stupid, narcissistic, psychopathic, stalking, voyeuristic, exhibitionist, toxic-waste dumping, puppy-kicking neighbor who often gives off an odor of formaldehyde, oysters, communion wafer and semen will seem much less off-putting.
  6. When the government shuts down and there are no politics to cover you’ll realize how crappy most of what’s on TV is and how the few shows you like and invest in take seven week hiatuses every time they bother to make two new episodes, one of which will be grossly overstuffed with tired, insipid, and self-aggrandizing guest stars. When politics come back it seems pretty entertaining and reliable.
  7. Imagine if you weren’t following and a Donald Trump type bought/cheated/terrified his way in and you might have been able to stop it but didn’t. You’d have no choice but to cut out your own heart with a pink-diamond-monogrammed, family-crested, 24-caret gold bottle opener.
  8. You’ll know something about them when they end up on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
  9. We don’t have Roman gladiatorial contests.
  10. And finally, when you throw a tantrum over having to work a half day on Christmas Eve, or because after you called someone a racist or bigoted name or overlaid their image with a “surveyors symbol” they had the nerve to point out your racist, bigoted, or dangerous behavior, or because someone said uterus or the name of some other female body part out loud, when you throw that hissy fit you will have the comfort of knowing that the people you elected to lead you are no better than you.
Comments
3 Responses to “10 Reasons to Love and Follow Politics”
  1. Daphne, thanks, and I do hope this works to get you on board or I may be forced to–gasp–run for office.

  2. Daphne says:

    i suppose if anyone could get me to love and follow politics, twould be you.

    another excellent piece, mr. liancourt.

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  1. […] Good observation. Keep deliberatin’! By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt You will learn what NOT to wear if you want to look contemporary and sentient. You’ll feel less guilty about your affair(s), tax fraud, nepotism, inflammatory metaphors, hypocrisy, and foul mouth. It has more sex and wacky fantasy than the soaps but less influence than reality shows, so it’s not too dull and not too important or taxing, rather, like baby bear’s stuff, it fits just right. You learn that only the votes of … Read More […]



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