Roil Wedding

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt, a Roil

I am going to the Roil Wedding. That’s right, I’ve been invited, I’m going, and it’s in just two days, on Friday. I wasn’t going to say anything since not very many people know my cousins, but everybody seems to want to know every detail of other people’s weddings these days even when they are total strangers and I don’t want to seem snobbish by ignoring the trend. It is a funny coincidence that on the same day my cousins, Hank-Joe-Pete Roil and Meryl-Meryl Roil, are getting married another couple with matching last names is getting married. I wonder if William Royal and Kate Royal are first cousins too.

The matching name thing is not all these weddings have in common, either. The scale differs here and there but the Roil (Roil-Roil) wedding and the Royal (Royal-Royal) wedding are shaping up to be virtual twins. For example, just like over there everyone here is going ape-shit wondering what Meryl-Meryl’s dress will look like––who designed it? Will it have a train? I don’t get why it’s such a big secret and Meryl-Meryl and her mom would kill me if they knew I told you, but since they are spending the rest of the time before the ceremony in the sweat lodge spread with weasel grease and wrapped in pig skins to draw off the last few dozen pounds of winter weight … Got Ya! Ain’t no way I’m telling. My mom ain’t in the sweat lodge and neither is Hank-Joe-Pete’s and skinny as they are they pack a wallop. Do you really think Hank-Joe-Pete’s dad lost that eye helping the midwife deliver Hank-Joe-Pete’s brother Joe-Pete-Hank? That is how he lost the ear but the eye was over his telling his own mamma his wife’s secret recipe for onion ring and French fry stuffed corndogs. Mmm-M, no one makes beige food like Hank-Joe-Pete’s mom.

The way the brides are getting around is eerily similar, what with both weddings using super fancy antique horse-drawn coaches. Meryl-Meryl and her bridesmaids will ride in a coach hand built by her great-great-great granddaddy, Hoyle “Burt” Roil. No one knows why they called him Burt, but it may have been on account of a mishearing of Burnt since Hoyle was what we would now call a pyro in mental-doctor speak. By age seven he had burnt off all his own hair and eyebrows that never grew back and even when he was an old man you could smell the singe before you saw him coming.

Anyway, grandpa Burt’s coach was originally just a wagon that he used for hauling basics like weasel grease and bat guano for his soap making business, but thanks to Meryl-Meryl’s brothers Daryl-Daryl, Errol-Errol, Jarrell-Jarrell, and Tom it’s like something out of a Disney. It’s all shiny silver and gold from the tin foil and gold muffin papers, and the headstone rubbings from the Roil family cemetery on the doors make a sort of Roil crest. Meryl-Meryl’s baby sisters Zara-Zara and Double-A-Alice painted the team that’s pulling the coach with Sharpies and threw on glitter while they were still wet and they look so good that I’m sure there’s money to be made in sparkly purple pygmy goats.

The Roil wedding also has a fancy chef for the reception. Hank-Joe-Pete’s dad has a half-brother who never did fit in with the other Roils. He always asked for more than one bath a week (and refused to share it with his half brothers as if hot water came free from heaven), he wore shoes even when he didn’t have to and most of them had laces, and by the time he was sixteen his still hadn’t fathered even one kid. The family found his birth mother but she wouldn’t take him back on account of not being allowed kids in state prison so Hank-Joe-Pete’s dad sold two of his three Jesus face cigar stubs to pay for fancy cooking school in a fancy foreign country. I think it was in Guatemala or some other place in the second best part of Europe, but wherever it was it got Hank-Joe-Pete’s funny bastard uncle a job on a cruise ship––what I wouldn’t give! I heard he’s even making a replica of the wedding church out of salmon moose. I had salmon once and we eat moose all the time but whatever trick they taught at that fancy cooking school to combine them is like right out of a science fiction story and I just know it’s gonna taste as good as anything that Royal wedding in London has. I bet the cooks there haven’t even thought about making the food look like the buildings either.

I heard there is something like a trillion reporters going to London for the Royal-Royal wedding and that they’ll be sharing every detail with the world. I don’t know when or why the weddings of complete strangers became more popular than even the most original and creative reality shows, like the ones with strangers locked up in a house doing cool stuff all day long. In my family we usually try to get out of going to weddings. But the Roils are nothing if not modern––we keep up with the times and stay relevant. I got me one of them camera phones that takes movies (remember that third Jesus-face cigar butt? Shhh!) and Meryl-Meryl’s maid of honor Sue-Betty (should that be matron cause she was Hank-Joe-Pete’s first wife?) showed me how to put the movie on the internet.

So, if you get bored watching the Royal Wedding you can change the channel and watch the Roil Wedding. I think Meryl-Meryl and Hank-Joe-Pete will appreciate you being with them in spirit as there are several Roils who can’t make it back from Iraq and Afghanistan. Between the two weddings you’re bound to not have a second to pay attention to people you know, or to do anything productive for their lives or your own so happy Royal-Roil Wedding Day!

2 Responses to “Roil Wedding”
  1. Rita Nielsen says:

    I meant to say: I am glad to see I am not the only one who IS NOT all starry eyed and dreamy over this “Royal” event.

  2. Rita Nielsen says:

    I am glad to see I am not the only one who is all starry eyed and dreamy over this event.

    I do see a particular culture a little more clearer now.

    Let’s be humble and real. Not rich.

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