Sorry Mom, This Mother’s Day I Thank Great Aunt Adelaide for my Existence

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––In Political Mojo ( Andy Kroll reports on Sarah Palin’s response to President Obama’s successful mission to remove Osama Bin Laden:

Before a friendly crowd at Colorado Christian University on Monday night, Sarah Palin lauded President George W. Bush for the killing of Osama bin Laden without mentioning President Obama’s name a single time. Palin said American troops’ “courage and their determination brought us justice.” She went on to say, “We thank President Bush for having made the right calls to set up this victory.”

This is brilliant: Sarah Palin has debunked the myths we’ve been fed about causality. If she is bowling with her friends and one of them gets a strike she can credit the pin-setting machine or the fairies that live in it and not count those points allowing her to win the game (even when she quits before finishing it).

President Bush probably deserves a share of the credit for getting Bin Laden, but for her logic to work Palin really has to thank Cain and Abel for that disagreement of theirs that first brought violence into the world; then she needs to thank Eve, and the serpent of course. Come to think of it, I’m a bit confused as to why she thanked the troops because without the earth they wouldn’t exist and for Palin God made the earth, ergo, she should only have to say, ‘I thank God for having made the right calls to set up this victory.’

Since Palin did, however, thank Bush she should also thank his father’s little swimmers–patriots every one–for beating the odds and getting the job done. She specifically sites the calls Bush made to set up the victory so I’d like to see her thank Alexander Graham Bell for the telephone. She should thank the Chinese for inventing gunpowder, but I can see where that might be uncomfortable so she could thank instead the inventor of the modern bullet.

Inspired by Sarah Palin, and freed by her cleverness from crediting people I may not like for things they may or may not have accomplished, I’d like to thank my Native American ancestors for failing to survive the diseases, deceits, and destruction of conquering Europeans which led to Alaska becoming a state which allowed Sarah Palin a platform to disseminate her special brand of thanks. Thanks also to the explosive stellar gases that fueled the big bang that gave me a home. I’m grateful to the originator of David Beckham’s gene pool and to the leeches that killed Lord Byron allowing him to remain a romantic figure instead of returning to England to pen embarrassing ramblings before dying of syphilis.

In conclusion, in case you imagine these appreciations unrelated to the topics at hand–my existence and Bin Laden’s death–allow me two final thank yous to repucidate (neologism inspired by Sarah Palin) any such misunderstanding. Dear Great Aunt Adelaide, I thank you for making the calls that set up my conception, gestation, birth, feeding, clothing, protecting, educating, and releasing out into the world. You and the doctor who delivered me deserve all the credit, I can’t think of anyone else who might. And to the frozen margaritas that enable me to continue existing while Sarah Palin has a place in public discourse, thanks.

One Response to “Sorry Mom, This Mother’s Day I Thank Great Aunt Adelaide for my Existence”
  1. laura slade says:

    If you think her grasp of causality is strained there, you should here what she told Bristol about the birds and the bees 🙂

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