“Anything You Can Do”

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––Cheating on one’s lover by having sex with an employee’s lover then funneling funds to that employee and giving a child they produced a job to keep everyone quiet sounds like fun I know, but it’s just can’t compare to this: committing adultery by cheating on your wife by having sex with a married woman whose husband is your employee to whom you secretly pay hush money and whose son you hire to keep everyone quiet so as not to ruin your own career, reputation, and marriage. Yeehaw! Now that’s what I’m talking about. Why should some Americans, like Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada, get to do the latter awesome thing with all those official milestones marked in bold while other Americans are limited to the former generic version? I mean why bother if it’s not official and affects only generic things like lovers and partnerships, and is only called cheating? Is cheating on a person you are merely sleeping with any different from cheating on a test, or your taxes, or keeping extra change? When you hear “adultery” you know what went down––maybe not who, but certainly what.

Forty to fifty percent of the marriages in this country will end in divorce. Why should straight people alone be entitled to such a popular pastime? If I decide to ditch the guy I’ve been living with for fifteen years, or if he should decide to ditch me (a pretense of humility dictates I include the latter as a possibility) how are we to mark such a momentous change; what shall we tell out friends? “Oh, we broke up,” hardly does those fifteen years justice. It sounds, furthermore, rather juvenile and neither of us is in our twenties anymore (though I at least remember them).

I hear you saying, “but you live in a state that has gay marriage.” Gay marriage? Marriage is not something that works with an adjective. Would you be thrilled to receive an unsigned check, a faux invitation, a blank card, spoiled milk, or burnt toast? I am sorry, gays-who-have-state-gay-marriages, though you deserve credit for helping the cause along you are not married. Look at former Republican South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Say he was married in South Carolina but Georgia does not recognize his marriage. When he was met by reporters at the Atlanta airport on his way back from committing adultery (such a fucking awesome word) with a woman in Buenos Aires and questioned about his affair, and his lie that he was hiking in Appalachia, those reporters would have been mistaken and simply harassing him since he was not a married man in Georgia. And if his marriage was not recognized by Argentina then he never even committed adultery. Adultery, by the way, is still a crime in South Carolina, punishable by up to a year in prison and a fine, but it is never enforced, which tells you all you need to know about how deeply straight South Carolinians really care about marriage.

Adultery, divorce, pay-offs, lies, and Republican Larry Craig’s wide stance in a Minneapolis airport men’s room: marriage is in trouble and these, apparently, are not the most nefarious threats. Republican Rick Santorum famously compared consensual homosexual sex to child molestation, incest, and sex with animals, and recently Don Reynolds, President of Uptown Sports Management, said, “man and woman were created to be married, not man and man or man and horse, you know?” Since gay men and women are only demanding they be able to marry other gay men and women we must worry about where Santorum, Reynolds, and other heterosexuals who make such comparisons get these ideas. I do hope child protective services and animal protection agencies check in on people who talk incessantly about molestation, incest, and bestiality (where there’s smoke…) and I really hope Don Reynolds does not own a horse.

2 Responses to ““Anything You Can Do””
  1. blackwatertown says:

    Hilarious – “and I really hope Don Reynolds does not own a horse. ” Indeed. Methinks he doth protest too much. Hi ho Silver, and away…

  2. Thank You Duncan I always laugh out loud reading your posts! and have passed your blog address along to a few I thought might enjoy them as much as I do. hahaha. “a pretense of humility” hahahahah.

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