An Affair with Aunt Judy Rocks Because:

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––Recently, and conveniently for him, resigned Senator John Ensign (R-Nevada) had an extramarital affair (he committed adultery) with a married staffer whose husband was also his employee. The full Senate Ethics Report is out and it reads like a screenplay for a sleazier remake of the sleaziest nighttime soap you can think of. It is also endlessly amusing and Karoun Demirjian reports for The Las Vegas Sun that, “[Ensign] saved [his lover] in his phone as “Aunt Judy.” That might have worked, had Ensign not then loaned his phone to Doug to call his wife, who came up as Ensign’s ‘aunt.’” Thus we have an affair with Aunt Judy rocks because:

  • She leaves hard candy on the motel pillow after sex.
  • She gets the senior discount at the motel, the movies, and Applebee’s.
  • Sometimes she lets Uncle Phil join in.
  • Aunt Stephie’s feet are scratchy like a cat’s tongue.
  • Cousin Tommy is an awesome lookout and works for gummy bears.
  • She lets me watch Two and a Half Men during foreplay.
  • She’s brilliant with her bible and Atlas Shrugged as bolsters to get us in the niftiest positions.
  • After sex, when I have trouble sleeping, she hums all the Fox News theme songs to soothe me.
  • She makes the motel room homey with hand-crocheted doilies and antimacassars.
  • Tom Coburn negotiated a pre-affair contract totally in my favor. If Aunt Judy breaks up with me she’s shark bate.
  • She’s kept her American flags at half-mast since Obama’s election.
  • Since she’s family, my dad pays all her bills so I don’t have too.

And finally, an affair with Aunt Judy rocks because when she heard Osama Bin Laden was killed she baked a thank you Bundt cake for George Bush.

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