Ensign Reports: an Affair with Aunt Judy Rocks Because…

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––Recently, and conveniently for him, resigned Senator John Ensign (R-Nevada) had an extramarital affair (he committed adultery) with a married staffer whose husband was also his employee. The full Senate Ethics Report is out and it reads like a screenplay for a sleazier remake of the sleaziest nighttime soap you can think of. It is also endlessly amusing and Karoun Demirjian reports for The Las Vegas Sun that, “[Ensign] saved [his lover] in his phone as “Aunt Judy.” That might have worked, had Ensign not then loaned his phone to Doug to call his wife, who came up as Ensign’s ‘aunt.’” Thus we have part two of an affair with Aunt Judy rocks because:

  • She donates half the money I make my dad give her to defending marriage between one man and one woman.
  • She brings her own super fluffy towels to the motel and they smell like lilacs.
  • She makes sure I don’t wear any ties that look gay.
  • I remind her of a young Roger Ailes.
  • She makes the ladies at bingo give me their winnings to support my crusade to defend family values.
  • She can reproduce all of Glenn Beck’s blackboards from memory.
  • She wears Grandma’s Jen Naté perfume: such fond memories.
  • She likes it when I leave my socks on, and my flag pin.
  • She says we have to do it as much as we can before End of Days.
  • When I can’t perform we put on The Last Word so we can point and laugh at Lawrence O’Donnell and call him names from Seinfeld like “Slow Talker.”
  • She has a huge stash of pre-safe sex porn with Marlboro Men type real men.
  • Her vanity license plate reads “NEFU LUVR.”
  • She needle pointed Rachel Maddow’s face on a puffy toilet seat cover.
  • She’s big enough to put me over her knee when I forget a GOP strategist’s anti-Democrat talking point.
  • She gets us weed from her evangelical pastor so it’s not a sin.
  • Sometimes we role play––she is Reagan and dresses me up as Gorbachev.
  • She is an expert Ethics Committee affidavit forger.
  • Her Gaydar is flawless and she warns me when a gay is getting too close.
  • At the motel she keeps my phone and car keys in her bra so I don’t forget them.
  • Upon hearing Glenn Beck was cancelled she started a support group and sacrificed a kitten by dipping it in gold.
  • She has two gun cabinets, one for guns and one for sex toys.
  • She gives me gifts wrapped in food stamps she steals from her maid.
  • She demanded an apology from Anita Hill’s mother for having her.
  • She uses enhanced interrogation techniques when I won’t say “ I wuv you Auntie naughty knickers.”
  • Uncle Phil is a Viagra rep.
  • She legally changed her middle name to Bush and she has a natural one.
  • She sent the best care packages to me Fellowship pals at C-Street: Toll House cookies and lube.
  • She is from the era of the hula-hoop so has killer hip muscles for an aunt.
  • I’m pretty sure her Bill Maher voodoo doll is actually starting to work.

And finally, an affair with Aunt Judy rocks because she knows what family values really means, oh yeah, she knows it good.

One Response to “Ensign Reports: an Affair with Aunt Judy Rocks Because…”
  1. “and she has a natural one”…. hahahahaha. Excellent, every reason more clever and hilarious than the one before. I’m still laughing, “I luv you auntie naughty knickers.” How did you get the scoop on that one? hahahahaha.

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