Rapture Prom

By DuncanRhys C. Liancourt

––For the Select this prom will never end while for the rest it will be the last prom, or anything, ever. Rapture Prom must have the most rapturous prom king and queen. They will rule over the Select for eternity while their crowned heads and cheerfully smiling faces will be the last thing the unselected see before god hits the incinerate switch. Whichever group you are in this is your last chance to vote––for anything––so vote. Here are the nominees for Rapture Prom King and Queen:

Meet couple number one, Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin. Both members of this couple already have some sort of spirit speaking through them as evidenced by the fact that they hardly ever make any sense, and as soon as they seem to, they contradict themselves. Speaking in tongues is surely a sign of Rapture worthiness. Palin has the looks but Gingrich is already aglitter with an otherworldly light. He has said that a candidate like him with “very big ideas” is “something that happens once or twice in a century,” while she, member of an end times believing Assembly of God church, won’t stop talking about the Jews, Israel, and “blood Libel.” Palin can see superhumanly far and Gingrich can see the future––she keeps an eye on what Putin is doing in Russia while he was able to see his third wife while still with his second. Finally, while she is a word coiner to make Shakespeare jealous his patriotism is so virile mere earthly pants can’t contain it.

Couple number two is Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann. These two are clearly in touch with a new, post-Rapture Garden of Eden––people and animals in perfect harmony–– because he talks a lot about man on dog sex while she finds it an “interesting coincidence” that swine flu outbreaks happen under Democratic presidents (she cites the last one as under Carter but she’s wrong, it was Ford, a Republican, so swine flu is in harmony across party lines). She is clearly an end of days specialist because she said the tax burden-economic situation was a “similar death and a similar taking way” as the Holocaust, which was almost an end of days for the Jews. He goes all Sodom and Gomorrah when he blames Boston’s “academic, political and cultural liberalism” for infecting Catholic priests with “aberrant behavior” in the Catholic priest pedophile scandal.

Finally, meet couple number three, Mike Huckabee and Ted Nugent. Mike has his own oracle in Janet Porter whom he calls his “prophetic voice,” and she should know about world ending events because she blames Noah’s flood on gay marriage. But Huckabee doesn’t rely on only one prophet, rather he is all propheted up, he’s the prophinator with a prophet in each holster wishing that “all Americans would be forced — forced at gunpoint no less — to listen to every David Barton message.” And there is no need to fear that Huckabee would fall for a false prophet: “science changes with every generation and with new discoveries, and God doesn’t,” he says. “So I’ll stick with God if the two are in conflict.” After these three, God and his holster prophets, there is no one Huckabee cherishes more than his running mate Ted Nugent. Nugent was Huckabee’s featured guest on the episode of Huckabee’s show in which he announced God does not want him to seek the 2012 GOP nomination. These two are so in sync they jammed together on Ted’s song “Cat Scratch Fever” which reaffirms traditional roles of men and women––“I make the pussy purr / with the stroke of my hand.” Ted also agrees with Huckabee about the unnaturalness of gay sex. Huckabee compared gay sex to drug use and incest while Nugent said, “I’m repulsed at the concept of man-on-man sex.” Nugent feels differently about man on gun sex, however, and has told President Obama to “suck on my machine gun,” while to Hilary Clinton he said, “Hey, Hillary, you might want to ride one of these into the sunset, you worthless bitch!”

Who will be your Rapture Prom Royals? Which couple will either lead you with their sceptered hands to heaven, or bang your knuckles with their scepters to force you to release your desperate grip on their royal robes as the dying earth’s magma eats at your toes? Will it be couple number one, Newt the Glitterific and Sarah the Reloader? Will you choose couple number two, Rick ‘Boston is Gomorrah’ Santorum and Michele ‘The Lion King is Gay’ Bachmann? Or, will your vote go to couple number three, God-Talks-to-Me Huckabee and fellow phallic fetishist––guns and guitars––Nugent the Ungent? Vote now, seriously, now.

8 Responses to “Rapture Prom”
  1. Laura says:

    OMG! Lawrence O’Donnell totally did a lay-up on the Tiffany’s product placement. First, he tried to position Newt’s Tiffany aversion as “the” sore thumb of the campaign, the question that every journalist MUST ask him about, then he told his viewers to “go to the Tiffany website” and try and imagine what they sell that might embarrass a politician. He made this the topic on his blog, even.

    I smell a product placement.

  2. Laura, you may be on to something with Newt as spokesperson. Let’s watch for future product name-drops.

  3. Laura says:

    By the way, does anyone else think that the Newt Gingrich Tiffany “scandal” is merely “product placement”? As in, he’s pulling a Lohan and merely running for president for the attention, so now he’s getting paid to say, always be photographed with a red bull, or always get accidentally caught spending 500k at Tiffany’s?

  4. Tamara K says:

    Sorry to chime in now and after the fact, but every category was so distasteful and perfect for the cause that I was rather wishing to vote for the whole of them all…!

  5. Damn if these are going to be the last faces I see before God hits the switch…let’s go for the pet lovers,
    Rick Santorum and Michele Bachmann. Those two are smote for sure, and maybe they’ll bring some farm animals to the judgement. Oink Oink

  6. Molly Purves says:

    It was a really tough call but I’m going with Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin.

  7. Laura says:

    No contest! Huckabee and Nugent! So for all eternity, Nugent can be doing tasty licks on his axe and singing about scratching his p*ssy till it purrs while Huck looks on admiringly at how masculine he is.

    But seriously, we all know deep down that the world ended decades ago and the internet is just here to remind us of the world that used to be.

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