Barbarians at the Gate, with Canapés

I agree completely with Christian counselor Marcus Bachmann––2012 Grand Old Party (Republican) presidential candidate Michele Bachmann’s husband––that barbarians need to be educated. The Daily Beast’s David A. Graham reported June 15th on Michele Bachmann’s First Dude’s discussion of homosexuality during a radio interview in which he said “Barbarians need to be educated, they need to be disciplined, and just because someone feels it or thinks it, doesn’t mean we need to go down that road.”

Yes, educate the barbarians! What else is one to do with them once they’ve sneaked or barged, bribed or insinuated, or otherwise sashayed their sassy way into one’s civilization? Marcus Bachmann––no, counselor––no, Pastor Bachmann, you see, loves the barbarians and wants to help them. He is so patient yet determined with his hands-on approach to disciplining their brutish ways that one could almost believe, had he not reminded one that “Christ is the Almighty Counselor,” that he enjoys his work merely for its visceral satisfactions.

The problem of these barbarians cannot be overstated. Just last week I bumped into a gay man I know at our local market––our hands underwent an encounter as we attempted to palpate the same pair of Peruvian plums––and as we exchanged pleasantries and I relinquished my fruit to his firmer grasp, I observed that he wore sweat pants. No heterosexual man, Marcus Bachmann least of all, would ever squeeze plums for ripeness in public wearing sweatpants so how can gay men expect acceptance into civilized society while appearing in civilized society in barbarian garb?

Gay men and women used to know how to blend into the civilized heterosexual world. They used to get married to opposite sex partners, work, pay taxes, raise children, drink and drug away their brain cells, and do whatever it took to deaden themselves inside while eradicating from their outsides every trace of unique gesture, expression, and personality. Now they selfishly pursue honest and satisfying relationships. Some of the men play or follow sports while others design clothes or follow fashion. One lesbian will be see in a dress and heels while the next is observed in the work boots and hard hat of her bridge construction foreperson’s job.

No wonder the Bachmann’s are confused. And confusion breeds fear so we should not blame Michele for screaming “Help! I’m being held against my will!” and filing a police report upon which the county attorney declined to press charges when an ex-nun wanted to talk with her, an elected official, about same-sex marriage. If this woman had presented herself in the role civilization had chosen for her this misunderstanding would never had happened.

Pastor Bachmann is right that the behavior of gays and lesbians has descended into unsupportable chaos. It is a classic case of ‘give them an inch and they take a mile’. Civilization stopped classifying them as mentally ill, stopped the elecrtic shock and lobotomizing, stopped taking away their livelihoods, their liberty, their children, and their visitation rights, and now they want to dress how they choose, walk and talk how they choose, work, and play, and love how they choose, and even marry the people they claim to love in some grotesque mockery of the faithful, monogamous, incorruptible, untroubled, harmonious, egalitarian, and unending sacrament that is heterosexual marriage.

It is a shame, a damn shame. And I am ashamed, ashamed to admit that I sometimes feel the urge to behave in a barbarous manner, to do something not in Pastor Bachmann’s holy book. Oh! Shepherd Bachmann, master of all that is civilized, educate me! Take me into your unyielding, masculine care and discipline me! I know you want to as it is your calling, and I want it to. Discipline the barbarian out of me so hard it will never break back in––make me your disciple Pastor Master Marcus Bachmann!

7 Responses to “Barbarians at the Gate, with Canapés”
  1. Rita, thanks for commenting, and I heartily agree. Our political system can only work for us if their are two parties with an interest in governing. The Republicans do owe us all a candidate––and candidates throughout the government––with ideas instead of ideologies, facts instead of personal beliefs, and the desire and ability to govern rather than preach.

  2. Todd, thanks for joining in the conversation. I expect we’ll see something very close to your vision––in drag, mock drag, and meta drag––before this election cycle closes.

  3. Rita Nielsen says:

    I hope one day soon,the Republicans will find a candidate worth listening to. The party owes to our country.

  4. I can see you truly want to repent your barbaric ways. Good for you! I pray your plea reaches the great pastor, with enough discipline the worlds a rainbow.

    Ewww, sweatpants out of the house? Barbaric!

  5. Todd says:

    I had a vision of ever growing crowds…attending Bachmann’s campaign rallies…wearing gay pride day leather….carrying signs saying “Discipline me Marcus”.

  6. Laura says:

    You say homosexuals “used to” marry opposite sex partners but there are several who still find ways to make such a marriage work. For those of you interested in preserving this old fashioned practice, aka marrying a “beard,” try Marcus Bachmann’s own tried and true method: Take in 23 foster children to ensure you never have to have sex with your wife again and she can channel her resulting sexual frustration into her higher marital calling — discipline, discipline, discipline. Whatever you think of Marcus’s opinion on marriage, at least he practices what he preaches.

  7. heraldo says:

    Just love It!!!!!!!

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