Project Gunway: Republican Presidential Candidates Walk the Bloody Carpet

Good evening and welcome, Adam’s non-evolved sons and daughters, to “Bloody Carpet 2012”, Project Gunway’s first presidential candidate fashion show and fundraiser. Before we start, I want to assure you that no tax dollars are being spent to bring you this blessed event. Our tent, security, all the refreshments, and even our runway’s one-of-a-kind bloody carpet––which gets its deep red color from the blood of animals actually hunted and killed by tonight’s models, your Grand Old Party candidates––everything has been paid for by our generous, god-fearing, anonymous donors. Thanks to them, every cent of your $350 entrance fee will go toward the founding of our new biblically-based law school and judge training center.

That’s the Project Gunway theme music starting––your first model will be out in just a moment. Remember, all the fashion you see on the bloody carpet this evening will be available for purchase after the show and a percentage of the proceeds will support our non-denominational orphanage and school in Uganda, so buy something for yourself, your family, and friends and help keep Africa’s kids on the path to Jesus. Let’s start the show!

Give a big round of applause for your first model, second place finisher in the Iowa Straw Poll, Congressman from the Lone Star state, Ron Paul. Congressman Paul is wearing a double gun cowboy action holster because in Texas less is never more. Besides, being a libertarian he can never decide if he’s more right-handed or left. To represent his anti-war stance, one of the holsters was lined with a chemical that bonded with the gun once it was placed inside, but only the designer knows which––fun!

Here’s our next model, Tim Pawlenty. He’s no longer in the race, but we new you’d want to see Tpaw, and we needed someone without hips to wear this sporty suspender model. The mirrored holster is designed to reflect light painfully into your enemies’ eyes to blind them, or on this case into the eyes of the audience to keep you awake. Is that snoring I hear? Guess this baby needs a few more mirrors. Maybe it will be discounted after the show.

Let’s hear some noise for businessman Herman Cain. This mosque shaped holster represents Mr. Cain’s recent message of tolerance in which he said, “I remain humble and contrite for any statements I have made that might have caused offense to Muslim Americans and their friends.” Come on now, I know you want to put your hands together for the freedom of religion guaranteed in our beloved Constitution––go ahead, you needn’t worry about Herman Cain––the words of his message are printed on the dome of the mosque, including those that came before the ones I quoted, “While I stand by my opposition to the interference of sharia law into the American legal system,” and the gun belt is decorated with anti-sharia icons in mother of pearl.

That’s right, keep those hands together for former Speaker of the House, Newt Leroy Gingrich. This diamond encrusted––what’s that you say, you don’t see any diamonds? They line the holster, my friends. Newt is not one to flaunt his wealth, but would rather you esteem him for his brains. The outside of the holster and the entire belt (which won’t leave you short at an impromptu lynching) are embossed in gold with nuggets of Newt’s wisdom from his many books. The belt is also equipped with fourteen credit card slots, a secret compartment perfect for tucking away some petty cash, and it comes with two free passes to Newt and Callista’s next film, “The Third Marriage is the Charm.”

Here comes Rick Santorum, walking like a real cowboy thanks to this super low-slung model. The belt is armored in front where it crosses the baby maker, and the designer warns that it creates a lot of friction while walking, so wear extra underwear––or none at all, depending on your tolerance. Note the cutout in the back, however, which it says here is for ventilation. Who ever said fashion had to be uncomfortable? The leather is a hundred percent dog, but no need to worry about a screed from that black sheep animal rights activist in the family (every orchard drops a bad apple now and then, no need to be embarrassed,) because these dogs were already dead. Their bodies were recovered from a whorehouse frequented by married men set on breaking their sacred marriage vows where they must have been used as guard dogs.

The marriage vows of our next model should have a runway of their own and will never go out of fashion. Michele Bachmann, winner of the Iowa Straw poll, wears the only homemade model you will see on this runway. The “Barbarian Tamer” was designed and constructed by Marcus Bachmann, and is chock full of custom features like the feather boa handcuffs ring. You won’t be able to take one home today as each one ordered will be made especially for you by Marcus and his team of Boy Scout helpers out to earn their fashion badges. When you order, be sure to check off what style handcuffs you want––black leather, pink faux fur, disco ball, or official police.

Our next to last model is east coast elite Mitt Romney. Never let it be said that Project Gunway discriminates. The health care instituting former governor of Massachusetts is all business in this platinum buckled gun belt woven from hundred dollar bills with gilded cage holster. Doesn’t that cute little varmint pistol look nice through those gold bars? I suppose we could call this a unisex model as even my little woman could handle that pinkie toe of a gun.

Here’s our final model, three-term Texas governor Rick Perry, sporting three firearms (that we can see). Is that one for each term, governor, and a concealed weapon for the presidency you’re taking aim at? And what’s that on your ankle? Why it’s a throwing knife with “Fed Up” embroidered in rattlesnake tongues on the strap and a B on the scabbard. Let’s see now, James Richard “Rick” Perry doesn’t have a B in it––maybe it’s the designer’s mark (wink).

One Response to “Project Gunway: Republican Presidential Candidates Walk the Bloody Carpet”
  1. Laura says:

    LOL, you KNOW how I feel about Marcus!

%d bloggers like this: