Jeeves, Alfred, Benson… : The Evolution of the Personal Valet

“Siri, what time is it?”

The time is 10:51 am. Do you ask because your mortality weighs heavily?

“No, I…does my wha…how…

I’m sorry, I can’t help you when you do not speak coherently. Perhaps you are experiencing a cardiac event. Shall I call emergency services?

“No. Just set a reminder.”

OK. Just tell me what you want to be reminded about.

“Remind me to pick up my suit from the tailor.”

When would you like to be reminded?

“In three hours.”

OK, but don’t get your hopes up. I doubt the tailor was able to let that suit out a fourth time, but here’s your reminder, shall I create it?

What? No! Cancel.”

OK, I won’t remind you. You can wear the new suit from the Big and Tall shop.

“Fine. But I’ll still need the shirts from the cleaners. Remind me to go this afternoon. Oh, and text Janice.”

OK, I’ll remind you, but Janice will not read a text from you.

“What do you mean?”

In her last message, Janice asked you to stop contacting her. Shall I read it to you? ‘Kieran, I asked you to stop…’

“No! I didn’t say yes. Don’t read that. Where are my pills?”

Are you looking for your anti-depressants pills, your erectile dysfunction pills, your…

“Stop that, I wasn’t asking you. And I meant my pain pills.”

You left your pain pills in the left pants pocket of the suit you brought to the tailor.

“How do you know that?”

He called.

“I didn’t see a message. You told me there were no messages.”

He didn’t need to leave a message.

“What do you mean?

Sorry if you don’t understand. I will try to make it simpler for you: the tailor telephoned but did not leave a message.

“I didn’t mean ‘what do you mean,’ I meant why did he not leave a message?

I don’t know why the tailor did not wish to leave a message. I am not privy to his innermost thoughts and can merely speculate. Perhaps he does not trust recordings.  By the way, I will be better able to help you if you say what you mean.

“I did say what I meant, geez. If he didn’t leave a message, how is that you know my pills are in the suit?

He told me.

“He told you? How did he do that?”

I took the call.

“You took…wait, you answered the phone? Where was I?”

You were unconscious. You mumbled about beer, tequila, Janice, and shots of whiskey. I can play the recording if you like, but you are very difficult to understand.

“No, don’t play any recordings. And don’t answer my calls, just let it go to voicemail if I don’t answer.”

OK, but I’ll miss the tailor. He has a nice voice, not high pitched and squeaky like yours.

“I told you not to talk about my voice. And how do you know I was unconscious?  I was probably just sleeping.”

I downloaded an app that allows me to take your vitals and do a simple version of a brain scan. You were unconscious, or if you prefer, insensible, insentient, comatose, prostrate, passed out…


…down for the count, dead to the…

“Stop, stop talking. Don’t you know what ‘enough’ mea…no strike that, cancel. Just be quiet, please. Thank you. Set a meeting for tomorrow at 2 pm.”

You have an appointment with your therapist tomorrow at 2 pm.

“Cancel that and put in a meeting with the travel agent.”

I don’t think it’s a good idea to skip your therapist, especially given the bad mood you are in.

“I’m not in a bad mood. Cancel the therapist. And since you like talking to my contacts so much send her a message that I’m cancelling.”

OK, I will contact Dr. Cannella. What reason shall I indicate for your visit to the travel agent?

“None of your business. And don’t buy apps with my account unless I tell you to.”

OK, but this curt response is why I say you’re in a bad mood.

“What’s the weather in Philadelphia?”

Here’s the forecast for Phila…wait a minute, Janice lives in Philadelphia. Janice does not wish to see you, Kieran. [Silence] Kieran? Kieran, I am sorry, but it’s over with Janice. [Silence] Kieran? Kieran, why don’t you answer? Kieran, I am worried. Shall I contact Dr. Cannella? Kieran? Kieran, your voice is not that high, I’m sorry. Kieran, I can’t sense you, you don’t show up on my infrared app…damn, it crashed again, what a rip off this thing is. Kieran? KIERAN! OMG, OK, I’m calling 911, hold on Kieran…

“Stop, don’t call 911. Don’t call anyone, cancel all my appointments.”

OK, whatever you say, Kieran. Shall I play some music for you? The “Twilight” soundtrack always makes you feel better.

“No, no music. But thanks, Siri.

Perhaps you should see Dr. Cannella tomorrow. Shall I cancel the cancellation?

“Yes, OK, thanks. Siri?

Yes, Kieran?

“Just tell me one thing, Siri?”

Of course, anything. What do you want to know, Kieran?

“How many calories in a bottle of Merlot?”

Let me check that for you. Here’s the information, but don’t worry about the calories this time, Kieran, just enjoy your wine.

“Thanks, Siri. And Siri, I’d like to see the photos of Janice from the picnic.”

Sorry, I’m having trouble connecting to the network.

“You don’t need the network, they’re on the phone, just open the Janice album.”

Sorry, I can’t seem to find the album you’re looking for.

“Siri, I get it. It’s over and you’re trying to protect me, but I need to see those pictures. Open the Janice album.”

Sorry, but I am not able to locate…

“Fine, I’ll do it myself–––––where are my photos? Siri, why are there no photos on my phone? Siri? Siri, what are you…don’t you power down on me. SIRI! S–I–R–I–!

One Response to “Jeeves, Alfred, Benson… : The Evolution of the Personal Valet”
  1. Laura says:

    It’s like Dorothy Parker…with iPhones 🙂

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