Special Effects Christmas Wrapping

Wrap your gift in a trained octopus. The military has these mischievous mollusks doing all kind of crazy shit so there must be a few special-ops dropouts available on-line. To get that special holiday glimmer look for blue-ringed octopi––when they’re agitated their maculae pulsate, which sounds pretty. Oh, and bonus––they are the third most venomous marine animal so no worrying about coming with even cooler wrapping next year.

Fiberglass insulation. It’s not as sure a thing as asbestos but it’s much quicker. Those itchy, red, blistered hands and forearms won’t be wondering why that scarf with the loosely attached “100% cashmere” remind them of a painter’s tarp.

Fruit roll-ups are a great choice for a large box. By the time the recipient has eaten all the highly processed sugar and preservatives the only lid they’ll be opening is the one on the toilet, especially if you soak the fruity sheets in milk of magnesia first.

Rotting animal hide. Place the furry side against the present so the untreated bloody membranous side faces out. You want as many maggots as possible and they begin to appear on cadavers after about 30 hours at 23 degrees Celsius so it’s best to slaughter your choice of animal with drive time to grandmother’s house and local weather conditions in mind.

The sticky side of contact paper will hold enough finely ground, thus quickly absorbed through the skin cocaine that your giftee will forget about that old shoe box he or she has partly revealed in favor of painting the house; or cardiac arrest. Win-win.

Sometimes you don’t need to doctor the paper at all to turn stomachs. The Wall Street Journal, New York Post (or any Rupert Murdoch publication) along with The Washington Times will give your lame gift that old time homey feel while still causing the recipient to turn away in disgust or collapse from a brain aneurism before completing the unwrapping task. If Grandma lives in New Hampshire get local flavor with The Union Leader, which if folded carefully should allow you to feature the pasty jowls of their wonder boy Newt Gingrich.

Finally, remember that manatee and labradoodle tendons, barbed wire, and venomous snakes reaching the end of a hibernation cycle make great ribbon; bunny noses with whiskers in tact resemble, when dried a bit, bows; anthrax looks like fake snow; and if you can’t be bothered with creative, thoughtful, personalized wrapping for all your family and friends, have them gather round the group gift that you’ve carefully wrapped in plastic explosives. Merry…

2 Responses to “Special Effects Christmas Wrapping”
  1. Daphne says:

    shall i admit to thinking “Pay careful attention to the wrapping on the Christmas present I got you, it’s the best part” was a personal message and not the opening to your newest post ? i kind of prefer those happy, innocent, jolly thoughts i had to these more explosive ones here. oh well, c’est la vie.

  2. Laura says:

    Presents wrapped in plastic explosives? It gives a whole new meaning to the “war on Christmas!”

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