Apps That Help You Avoid Shit

If you want to skip the “bad parts of town” without taxing your street smarts Microsoft will soon have the app for you. What has been dubbed their ‘Avoid Ghetto’ GPS App will mine local violent crime statistics to keep you from even glimpsing an undesirable corner or person, or the other people or businesses they bother. Personally, I’ll continue to exercise my own discretion to decide when an unsavory-seeming neighborhood might be worth the risks, but there are some avoidance Apps I’d like to see:

The ‘Avoid Campaigning Politicians’ App could see if an area has recently seen an increase in Fact Checker Pinocchios; uses of the words ‘socialism,’ ‘anti-American,’ ‘Europe,’ ‘Washington (especially if pronounced “Worshington”),’ ‘jobs,’ and ‘marriage; it could measure the man-made but not-by-greenhouse-gasses increase in hot air; or it could use the new “mood ring” technology of reading pheromones and other brain chemicals to see if an area has experienced an exponential increase in self-regard (NB: will not work close to Hollywood).

The ‘Avoid Unreasonable Vanity Sizing’ App could calculate, through spatial displacement and weight of fabric, the circumference of men’s pants marked as “waist-32” and tell you if in reality they would fit around: A) Rush Limbaugh; B) You and Rush Limbaugh; C) You dressed in your entire vanity-sized wardrobe sitting in your SUV; D) All of the above plus some of your neighbors.

The ‘Avoid Evangelical Vegans’ App identifies vegans by BSI, Body Soy Index, by measuring the distinctive chemical composition of their exhalations (oral, porous, and colorectal) and then distinguishes, via super-listening satellites that pick up their sermons, the ones who never stop talking about their diet and trying to convince you to give up real food. Perhaps the technology is also advanced enough to tell through saliva or something which ones are thinking about bacon during their entire diatribe and the App could add a hypocrite alert.

The ‘Avoid Restaurants With Huge Portions’ App would simply find the weight of representative entrees, tap into medical portion recommendations for its users’ body mass and caloric requirements and calculate with how many people you should share it: A) you and three co-workers; B) you and three co-workers for lunches and dinner for the entire week (if it’s a Cheesecake Factory include your and your co-workers’ families); C) Divide it among the three most famine ravaged parts of Africa and eat an apple.

The ‘Avoid People Who Don’t Read’ App uses advanced light refraction technology to determine if someone has used their eyes to register words on page or screen. Those people who’ve received most of their information passively, by ‘viewing’––which is mostly listening––television programs, and those who’ve looked at screens containing primarily images, as in most games, will have eyes that show up on the App as unresponsive, desiccating, or mummified.

The ‘Avoid Donald Trump’ App speaks for itself and should come standard with all phones.

The ‘Avoid Lame Humor’ App changes the channel when it senses you’ve put on Jay Leno, the latest show trying to be “Friends,” or anything involving Tyler Perry. If you try switching back it locks you out of the remote for three days, and if you tamper with the remote it electrocutes you.


One Response to “Apps That Help You Avoid Shit”
  1. Laura says:

    There’s already an ‘Avoid Unreasonable Vanity Sizing’ App, it’s called ‘expensive clothing store finder’

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