Eau de Pope

From The Telegraph 3-14-12: Perfume created for Pope Benedict XVI. After Sarah Jessica Parker, Eva Mendez, and Katy Perry comes the Pope––a signature eau de cologne has been created for the leader of the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics. Unlike celebrity perfumes adorned with pictures of breathless Hollywood starlets, this one will not be available to buy. The Italian ‘nose’ who recently created the scent, and has worked with Sting and Madonna, said, “I thought of the smells the Pope would smell when praying at the Grotto of Lourdes.”

The world is all curiosity about the name of the Pope’s bespoke after-shave. Will it be, as surmised by this reporter, “Eau de Pope”? Perhaps “Eau de Grotto”, or––in a nod to Ralph Lauren’s “Polo”––“Halo”? Could it be just the beginning of a great fragrance dynasty like that of Coco Chanel and be called “Papal no 1”? Will his Holiness want something more evocative like “Crown of Thorns” or ‘Scent of Nails”? We’ll have to wait and see, but in the meantime sources are hinting that other Pope-inspired projects are in the works:

The companion fragrance to Eau de Pope, Eau de Cardinal, will be for casual Fridays and “fat days” spent on the sofa wearing a Snuggie-Pope with pints of Peter & Paul’s (Papal Apple, Holy Ghost Marshmallow Roast, Bishop’s Mix-Up) watching Bavarian soaps, Bollywood musicals, and Sister Act III: Nuns with Vocal Nodes––Heaven’s Had It.

A running shoe by Nike because when souls are in danger the Pope needs speed only the Swoosh can give.

A Pope’s Best Friend would be a new species of pet genetically created just for the Pope combining DNA from three animals chosen for traits specially useful for a Pope: the chinchilla because it bathes in dust and would keep the Vatican’s holy water bill from going up; the mongoose for serpent slaying skill; and the toy poodle because they’re used to being dressed in frilly robes and funny hats and can be carried in a flowing sleeve.

A chain of super private luxury resorts called Popeotel where priests whose extra-curricular shepherding of children has gotten too much attention can be tucked away to pray and reflect while being waited on by a staff of young people who really need the work and have been imported from places where no one will miss them.

A line of sunglasses inspired by the celebrities of the glory days of the Inquisition because after overseeing a challenging exorcism even a Pope is likely to have red eyes and dark circles.

Not to be outdone by David Beckham and to put in their place certain lingerie models who like to where wings and call themselves angels, a line of undergarments, Vatican’s Secret, will be designed to the Pope’s exact specifications. Vatican’s Secret will not be for sale but specific pieces will be assigned to people whom the Pope deems in need of their unique support or correction. Female pop stars who take up with younger men out of wedlock are like to find Penance Panties and Burqa Bras in the mail, while a good many men can expect boxers from the Hair-Shirt line of mortification garments. Homosexuals should be prepared to receive Neuter Knickers, which need only be worn once to be fully effective.

5 Responses to “Eau de Pope”
  1. roger says:

    Molto divertente. Volete solo uno di quei cappelli.

  2. Laura says:

    Missed you sexi. By the way, while in Rome, I purchased a fabulous bobble-head pope statue 😉

  3. Perhaps, Louisa, His Holiness is trying to be fashion forward. Maybe he watches “Project Runway.”

  4. Louisa says:

    Not a soupcon of Frankincense or Myrrh? Just to close the circle?

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